About 12 years ago I was tied for the first time... It was a long journey from what it was for the first time to what rope is for me now. The meaning of what we do together has evolved a lot. I have learned a lot along the way - about myself, about relating… I would like to share my "learnings" here with you.
As we started with ropes – actually as I met my partner – I had no idea about kink or BDSM. This also means that in my case I never consciously dealt with the questions of my sexual likes and dislikes, etc… which is what I think BDSM essentially forces us to do. Come out of the ready-made conventional answers, step into the unknown, and search for your answers at your own risk. You could say that I did not know myself in this regard, even though I was around thirty at that time.
I had no idea what my desires were. However, generally, I was open-minded, experimental, and curious to explore. So that was just half of the trouble.
I also had no idea what my limits were and what was okay for me to play with and what was not. And this was much worse. My pattern was to flip between total resistance and overriding my limits, enduring whatever and feeling bad afterward. My partner figured it out and started rather limiting himself. He was forced to take care of me as I couldn’t.
At the time we started, there was literally no education for rope bottoms. No one spoke to me during the workshops. But if I had problems with the tie – or rather with myself in this tie, the teachers would give suggestions to my partner on what was possibly wrong and how to make it better. So it supported my belief that it was he – my partner – who was solely responsible for making it work. I was waiting till he learned and then my pleasure would happen.
In other words, I had a really PASSIVE attitude. In Germany, it was common to call rope bottoms „passive“ at that time – a very misleading wording…
This all led to a very difficult couple dynamic and we were struggling for the first few years. We went to Scot and Tanja in Copenhagen in 2015 as a last attempt to figure things out. They were experienced and kind and we felt we could talk to them.
Whilst Scot was teaching Alexander knots and stuff… I was whining to Tanja that nothing ever works. God bless her patience! 🙂 At some point, I was complaining that I could not breathe in guyaku ebi (back bend suspension). So much pressure here and there. I cannot breathe. And Tanja said: “I know. It is difficult to breathe in this position. But if you just lift your chin, it will become easier…”
What Tanja said to me was a turning point in my rope journey. She offered me to take agency over my own experience. I knew at that point that I had so much to learn about. About my body. About my reactions. About my dynamic with my partner. It was my first – and the most significant – learning:
Learning One: There is something that you can do about your experience in ropes (Tanja)
To be continued…