I'm not into DS, and neither is my partner. Role-playing was never my thing. But Kinbaku space is not casual for me. It is sacred… I think of it in terms of "Ritual": a space that's different from everyday life. Where we show up differently and relate to each other differently. Where different rules apply.
With my partner, we call it “container”.
This idea of a “container” – something that is limited in time and space – allows me to go / dive into the experience in a much more fearless way. I worry less about opening up towards difficult feelings, when I can trust that they are welcomed in this space – but also, that they will be “contained” and I can leave it behind and come back to normality afterwards.
I also trust that we share the same mindset about what it is that we are doing.
You cannot assume it, however. It takes shared experiences and conversations. It takes an agreement between you both. That agreement is a way to open up a space – generous space for both people, where there is a place for spontaneity, authenticity, surprises, or, in other words – for play.
There are internal and external elements of the container. The internal ones are those that are relevant to our mindset, how we behave and show up in the space: our roles, boundaries, power dynamics, communication. And the external ones are those we need to be aware of or actively facilitate for the transition to happen: time and space, sound and light, presence of others, costumes…
Our container is “open”. It is not helpful to decide in advance what it should look like or what should happen. That would make it too rigid. It is rather about your intention: What is your relationship to the person you are binding / being bound by? What is there between you two right now? What do they bring in? What would you like to bring in? What can you create together, in this space, in this moment?
Containers are personal and unique for two people involved in a play. What’s meaningful to me and my partner probably won’t mean anything to you. It is about your relationship and your history together. There is no point in copying it.
The questions I like to ask myself: what is my role, my function? Here are some ideas of how one can co-create this „ritual“ as a rope bottom…
Trust
The impact you have on your partner is enormous. Don’t underestimate it. Your appearance, your mood, your attitude, your reaction in the scene – it matters! It is in your power to inspire or shut down your partner emotionally, to make them dare to experiment and venture into the unknown, or to stick to the routine you always do.
Trust is mutual. Your partner needs to trust that they can show up authentically and that they won’t be blamed afterwards…
Take responsibility for your limits
In our container, we play with power exchange. That is, my partner decides what will be done. But I am the one who decides how big the space is by communicating my limits. I have to know myself, I have to know what I am willing to offer to this person at this moment, and I have to be able to communicate it. It is not the responsibility of my partner to guess.
Limits are not the same as preferences. It is helpful to know the difference between them. Limits define what I am willing to do for another person.
Thresholds entering and leaving the space
I prepare the ropes before and after. This is an expression of my gratitude to my partner. That developed naturally. I just wanted to, and then we gave it the meaning of an “opening” and “closing” of our ritualistic space.
I will sit on the spot before my partner. This is a symbol that I make “an offering”.
I think these symbolic gestures and actions help to change the mindset from everyday life to the “sacred” space and also serve as a confirmation of our intention: yes, we like to open the ritualistic space now.
Feeling is my function!
If the rigger is the one filling the space with action / intention / presence, the rope bottom is the one filling the space with feelings and emotions. Especially when receiving the rope impact – there is a place for feeling so much. It doesn’t always have to be nice emotions, I think. And this is where the idea of a container can help: to dive into our heavy feelings and then return to normality after the play space is closed…
Inspiration & Invitation: what do I offer today?
Inspiration: appearance – my dress, and my attitude entering the scene: this all will influence what will happen in the scene. I have an opportunity to inspire my rigger to be sexual, or brutal today, or objectifying and distant, or or…
Invitation is more about “Be honest: how are you today?” rather than acting out. What is in today, here is a chance to communicate limits I talked about previously. Depending on your tradition, you can have a conversation (“anything i should know?”), and you are talking about your limits for this session, or it is just the way you appear and behave.
The invitation is also an ongoing thing, you can start all obedient and then later misbehave, inviting your partner to increase the level of impact. Just making eye contact can change the dynamic 🙂
Being playful inside the container vs. Challenging the container.
It doesn’t have to always be unconditional obedience. You can resist and challenge your rigger. But doing that from “inside the play” is different from challenging the container itself. Our resistance can intensify the play, but also can interrupt it, depending on which place of ourselves it’s coming from.
There is probably so much more that can be said about both sides in this play. These are what came to my mind at this point… I wish you all beautiful spacious containers and intense play rituals with and without ropes 🙂