So I went on my rope journey, and I made some discoveries. And the first thing I discovered was my resistance.
I have this general pattern, also in my daily life… Something I picked up growing up around my mom and probably something that has been exercised many times in my life whenever I needed to ensure my safety, my boundaries, my sense of self.
It’s in my body. Someone would propose something, I would blurt out “No!” before I even consider, totally unconscious. I would be unnecessarily harsh with protecting my boundaries. I would give a lot of resistance, where it is unnecessary, where it would be my deepest truth – to agree…
And this is relevant for ropes, because when we go into ropes, we don’t show up as a blank sheet of paper. We are already something, there are patterns and strategies, the story, written all over our bodies:
It is more than a philosophical concept; we can experience our history as it lives in our muscular, organ, and nervous systems, and how it becomes explicit in the world as narratives, sensations, emotions, worldview, and ways of being. In other words our experience as historical beings is embodied, and it lives in how we enact our relationships, fears, dreams, and yearning for contact. When we are in a time of change, or some form of stress, we soon observe that our historical patterns will consistently rise to the foreground.
Richard Strozzi-Heckler
It is important to recognise that whenever you encounter something like that, you need to have compassion for yourself. These patterns have a reason for why they are there. It’s not about “just getting rid of” them. The change starts with acknowledgment and gratitude.
How was this pattern of mine showing up in ropes? I would find something that doesn’t work, something that is wrong with the tie, which is why we need to untie. Naturally, my partner would listen. He didn’t push through. I think looking back now he was right not pushing. That would never work, at least with me. So we were stuck. His interpretation was, I don’t trust him.
What helped me was another learning I made during my Sexological Bodywork time. The story was, it’s also in my book, I was doing an exercise with another student, an older man, named Sid. The exercise was, to ask for a touch you want and receive it. Sid raised his finger and said, “I am sorry. I need a second to listen to myself”. It was a life-altering moment for me. I discovered the freedom of taking time, and not responding immediately.
As simple as that, as complicated as that: we are free not to respond immediately.
Learning Three. It’s OK to take time (Sid)
We put so much pressure on ourselves to respond instantly. But we are not instant. We are complex. Everything that comes out instantly, is habitual. Every time you take a moment to breathe, you unlock the chain of your habit.
This is how I imagine it:
I started doing that in life, taking a breath, before blurting out my reaction. I started doing that in ropes, taking a moment, before complaining that something was wrong. I would take a breath and feel this feeling: what is this about? Is it really that my Gote is wrong or it’s my habit to resist?
Over time, more often I could take a breath and go for “another possibility”.
I asked my partner to practice it in guyaku ebi. This position symbolizes for me the ultimate surrender. Back-bended, without the possibility to move, nothing under my belly but an empty space, complete helplessness. Terrifying. Nothing I wished more and feared more… We would take it slow. He was observing me. And crunching a bit more and keeping me there a bit longer. Slow progression allowed us to go further. After a while, I could allow myself to be in this position, without panic. Without fighting. Resistance was there, as always, but I be-friended it.
This is the thing with the conditioned tendency:
Your truth is in your body.
And your habits are in your body.
This is what makes it complex.
This is why it is not about pushing through things. Or ignoring them. Underneath that habitual pattern, we might have real reasons to resist. Too far, too fast, we don’t want this to be done to us, we don’t trust this rigger. Whatever it is – it is our truth.
I believe what helps to unwind this confusion is
- to slow down
- notice what exactly you are feeling. Not thinking “Fear” but noticing “Stomach squeeze”. Exact sensation in your body…
- notice it all. Really be curious. Not judgemental, but curious about all the nuances of what exactly is happening in your body.
I am not gonna lie to you. My resistance is still there. I’m touching it every time it gets a bit intense. All I ever learned really, is to take a breath and allow for another possibility.
To be continued…