For me, and for Merriam-Webster, “Bondage” means slavery, it means restraining someone, taking away their freedom, their power. This is a criminal act unless it’s done between consenting adults within a frame of erotic play.
When I’m being tied I give up my power, my freedom of choice, and my freedom of movement… It is not a commodity and it is not casual. It has an erotic element to it, a ritualistic element, and an element of play. Otherwise, what my partner is doing to me would be – madness. And for some people, coming to the jam and watching us play through their Instagram lens probably looks like madness.
We play with “slavery” and “torture”. We try to make it as real as we can. It releases something dark in us. We embrace each other’s wicked side. We dare to go into the darkness and touch those monsters hiding there. We need the courage to do that, self-awareness, trust, and intimacy. We need a space to do that and witnesses who can relate.
Isn’t this what BDSM is for? For integrating uncomfortable, non-fitting, wicked, painful, shameful, hurting parts of ourselves? I am concerned with the recent trend to define Kinbaku or Shibari as an asexual practice, or that it can be “anything”. By drawing the definition, we draw the boundaries of the space. Space where people can come and find other people alike and feel accepted.
I’m lucky I had Schwelle7 in my life, a sex-positive and self-responsible space where I found people who were kind to me, who were there holding me in my discomfort, and who witnessed my transformation. It was not a room with four walls, but people in there who made it possible for me to meet that sexual being, myself. This is why we need to have community, to have witnesses. This is why we don’t want to settle for just doin’ it at home.
We need more brave spaces.